Inhale...Exhale...Inhale...Exhale

Today was my first panic attack in front of my teacher and in his office. This week and next week are midterm weeks. I have never had a problem that I couldn't handle when it comes to classes except for this quarter. I am currently taking 2 History classes and one studio course... One is "History of Graphic Design" (senior level class) and the other is "History of Western Art Survey 1" (freshmen entry level course). The freshmen course is kicking my ass. Took a test 2 weeks ago and received my grade on Monday. This grade has been plaguing me since Monday...3 days... No sleep, very little eating ( not that I'm not starving, I just can't stomach it), and an obsession with my history book has developed. I did FAR from great on it, so what do you do when you disagree with your grade? You go talk to your professor, make an appointment with them...Whatever. So I did. I met with Thomas today in his office at 5:30pm. All my answers are correct but he wanted more information than he was asking. He starts giving me tips for his class and when he refers to my specific test. He stops and says "well theres no need to keep bringing this up". So after disputing each question I start to feel it. My eyes are now welling up with water, my breathes begin to get heavier.... I quickly try to think of something other than my grade in his course... Nothing comes to mind. I try to cut him off to prevent a scene, but he is just one of those constant talkers, (the ones that talk your ears off even after you say that you get it) but he continues. The first tear drops and the breaths get faster and heavier....

::TEAR::TEAR::TEAR::TEAR::
::INHALE::EXHALE::INHALE::EXHALE::INHALE::EXHALE::

(He is still talking)

I say (in between my uncontrollable deep breathing) "Thanks for meeting with me, but I have to go now", and just get up and leave. I continue all the way to the car, to my house, into my room, and into the bathroom and I continue for another 35 minutes on the bathroom on the floor. The panic attacks are nothing new to me. I have them and I am ok with that, but I don't and have never had them in front of a professor. Embarrassing? Yes. It was. It still is. It will be until I get the hell of of this course. I have a problem dealing with things that I am not good at... I don't want to do them, I don't want to fix them, I want never again to mention that at one time I attempted it. I CANNOT handle failure. This is a person flaw and I know this. Getting past it is another issue.










I feel better after writing this.